I’ve made it no secret that I’m a little bit out of love with Florida right now. A week in Canada (yes, I really went, and yes, I’ll eventually edit and share photos … probably) reminded me that it’s possible to walk five feet without creating a line of underboob sweat and now that’s basically all I can think about.
But, you know, I’m an optimist. Most of the time, anyway. So I’ve come up with a few slogans that the Florida Board of Tourism will probably want to look into licensing* from me to increase summer travel to the state. I mean, COME ON. These are gold.
Florida: We hardly have any sinkholes!
Visit Florida, where only half of the snakes are venomous and/or deadly!
Florida: Because sweaty is the new sexy.
Summer in Florida: Hey, it might** not rain!
Florida: Perfect for people who hate feeling dry!
Florida has it all! Saltwater, freshwater, sharks, and alligators!
Florida: Because that “dry heat” is for pansies.
Florida: We’ll let you wear jorts!
Why Florida? Because you didn’t want to be outside between noon and 6 anyway.
Florida: Get a close-up view of the country’s craziest news stories!
Florida: Where else can you get a 2nd degree sunburn on a cloudy day?
Florida: Almost nobody gets eaten by alligators anymore.
Florida: There’s no better place to play Old, Asshole, or On the Phone***!
Florida: Things really heat up at the Early Bird Special. (No, really — it’s RIDICULOUSLY hot at 4 or 5 every day.)
Umm, how many more months until it starts cooling off?
* For licensing opportunities please contact me at zomfgFloridaIsSoFreakingHotKillMeNow@aol.com
** It will definitely rain, unless you’re in the eye of the storm.
*** A favorite driving game in our household. You see a car being driven like an idiot is at the wheel, slowing down and speeding up, or cutting in and out of lanes, and, before you see the actual person, you guess what they’re going to be: Old, Asshole, or On the Phone.